This is one of those stories that seems like urban legend, but it’s true. This week, the first week of the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, is a boon for urologists. The first time I heard anything about this was when our boss scheduled his procedure for the Thursday morning of the tournament’s first round. By lunch time, he was sitting on his couch, recovering. He later told me, “Sure, I wasn’t necessarily feeling great, BUT my wife wasn’t griping about me doing nothing but watching games and she was bringing me food and beer around the clock.”
By nature of the sensitive area affected, one must remain as immobile as possible for 2-4 days. If you’re a basketball nut, this is perfect for you. From Thursday thru Sunday of the tournament’s first week, games are wall to wall. You’re going to be sitting on the couch anyway, so…
Elective vasectomy surgeries see an increase of 50% this week. So, what sounds like a joke is legit. Seems like an extreme though, right? Couldn’t you just make a deal with “She Who Must Be Obeyed” to just have this weekend for yourself and your love of hoops? Surely there’s some sort of negotiation room here? Perhaps a Hallmark Christmas movie weekend for her in December?
Ranking All 68 of the 2022 NCAA Tournament Teams By Their Mascots
The NCAA Tournament is here, and it’s time to rank the most important part of the tournament: the mascots.
Sure, there’s plenty of basketball analysis to be had this week, as Baylor aims to repeat, while Gonzaga looks for its first championship. But we’re not here for that right now.
We need to take a look at the stuff that matters. Is a Blue Devil more fearsome than a Tiger? Is a Zip more powerful than a Hokie? Wait… what’s a Zip?
So let’s rank all 68 teams in the 2022 NCAA Tournament based on the all-important mascot factors. For the sake of this discussion, this is completely arbitrary. Sometimes it’ll be whether one might win in a fight. Other times it might be because we’re really tired of cat-based teams (we see you Wildcats, Tigers, Cougars, Catamounts, etc.).
And now, on to the important rankings:
The Top Tier
1. Cal State Fullerton Titans
The Titans have zero shot at winning the actual basketball tournament, and will likely get pummeled by Duke in the first round. But here in our mascot land, what’s more powerful than an almighty elder god of everything? Nothing. That’s what. Behold the all-powerful Titans, and their totally unrelated elephant.
2. Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders
While the Islanders already saw their tournament end in a First Four matchup Tuesday night, we’re giving them strong mascot points. Why? Well, who doesn’t want to perpetually be on an island enjoying life? And if you want to flip it, there’s not much more fearsome than someone who has been isolated on the islands for their whole life. I’m not gonna mess with them, are you?
3. San Francisco Dons
Major bonus points here for the Dons for originality. This Zorro-like mascot is about as cool as they come. Plus, we get some mafioso vibes, and that’s pretty cool too.
4. Richmond Spiders
Very few creatures inspire pretty much everyone to want to burn down their house and run away. The spiders get points here for coolness AND terrifying realness. If you need more evidence, just read this story.
5. TCU Horned Frogs
It’s a frog. With horns. Doesn’t get much cooler than that.
6. UAB Blazers
The Blazers lose points for a somewhat lame name on the surface. But the actual mascot is a fire-breathing dragon, playing on the BLAZE portion of the name. And that’s just freaking cool.
7. Miami Hurricanes
When it comes to fearsome, it doesn’t get much scarier than a Hurricane. Bonus points for some of the coolest unis in all of basketball too. And another batch of points for Sebastian the Ibis being about as cool as it gets.
8. Iowa State Cyclones
If Hurricanes are fearsome, then Cyclones by default have to be as well, since they are the same thing. A strange amount of bonus points for the geographical oddity that is a team from…IOWA being named after a water-based natural disaster. THE AUDACITY! We love it. Five more bonus points for the physical mascot being a totally unrelated bird.
The Second Tier
9. Norfolk State Spartans
These little guys have no chance in the Big Dance. But when it comes to mascots, an entire society of ancient Greek warriors sounds pretty darn intimidating to us!
10. Michigan State Spartans
Another Spartan, and probably the most recognized of the Spartans. We like the underdog story more though, so Michigan State gets ranked below Norfolk State for this discussion.
11. USC Trojans
If we’re including ancient warriors, the Trojans have to be right up there. Maybe a few points lost for having a giant hollow horse. But a whole lot of points gained for the best cheerleading squads in the country.
12. Akron Zips
If you’ve ever had a zipper stuck, you understand just how intimidating it can be. Akron gets MAJOR points for the audacity of just rolling with a zipper mascot. And they get even MORE points for their mascot suit being a Kangaroo. Cause nothing says zippers like kangaroos. Just all-in on this insanity.
13. UCLA Bruins
It saddens us greatly that UCLA doesn’t run with their mascot branding more. Because a Bruin is just a bear… but with pizzazz. We’ll take that.
14. Baylor Bears
What they don’t have in pizzazz, Baylor makes up for in style. They embrace their Bears with full-force. The defending national champions get some strong points from us here.
15. Saint Peter's Peacocks
Major points lost for not embracing the Peacock mascot on every social media platform everywhere. Major points gained for being about as cool an animal mascot as you can get.
16. Loyola Chicago Ramblers
We’re not sure what a Rambler is supposed to be, but it’s pretty cool. And major cool points for the amazing Sister Jean, who is the REAL mascot for Loyola. If you know, you know.
17. South Dakota State Jackrabbits
If you’re coming from South Dakota, you gotta come hard with your mascot. And the Jacks do it well. If you’ve ever tried to catch a jackrabbit, you’ll appreciate how great this mascot is. It ain’t easy folks.
The Horse-Related Tier
18. Texas Tech Red Raiders
There are a surprising number of western-themed mascots in the field this year. The best of the bunch has to be Texas Tech.
19. Wright State Raiders
No, we don’t know why Wright State has a wolf as a Raider either. But it’s our list, so we’re adding them under the western theme.
20. Colgate Raiders
We’d like Colgate a lot more if their mascot was toothpaste. But it’s a guy in a hat. And he’s hard to find on social media. But we like Raiders as a concept overall. So just deal with it.
21. Wyoming Cowboys
Look, there’s a cool Cowboy mascot that Wyoming trots out and he’s a lot of fun. But what’s even MORE fun is how cool Cowboy Joe the miniature pony is.
22. Murray State Racers
What’s cooler than horses? RACE HORSES!
23. Boise State Broncos
Major bonus points for basically having a Denver Broncos logo. Major points lost for not having a social presence for the fierce horse.
24. Longwood Lancers
If the student that has to wear that giant mascot costume doesn’t have the best neck muscles on the planet, they are doing something wrong. We’ll take ’em in a fight.
25. New Mexico State Aggies
We really wanted to rank this mascot lower, cause… well, look at it. But for consistency’s sake we kept it here with the western-themed teams.
26. Arkansas Razorbacks
https://www.instagram.com/p/Ca-94p8uZXy/
We really need to move the Hogs up in the rankings. This is criminally low for a cool, angry pig.
The Next Tier
27. Duke Blue Devils
We just want to know why Duke’s mascot is feeling so blue? Shouldn’t a Devil be a little less sad? We think so.
28. Alabama Crimson Tide
There’s something cool about the whole concept of Roll Tide. There really is. There is however, very little cool about a sad, blue-eyed elephant that has nothing to do with tides of any color.
29. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
We watched all the Leprechaun movies. They freaked us out. This dude is creepy, and that gives him major points in the whole fearsome mascot world. Points off for some questionable cultural tropes.
30. Saint Mary's Gaels
Sticking with the Irish theme, it turns out a Gael is an Irish warrior of some type. So that’s cool. Kinda. And they did beat the No. 1 team in the country this year. So that’s cool. Kinda.
31. San Diego State Aztecs
We really wanted the Aztecs to be higher on this list, but a startling lack of ANY presence for this mascot makes us think it’s gone the way of the real Aztecs. Extinct.
32. North Carolina Tar Heels
Ramses is one of the coolest mascots in all of sports. But… he has nothing to do with “Tar Heels” and that’s a bit problematic for us. Yes, we understand that we used the opposite rationale earlier. This is our list. Deal with it.
33. Rutgers Scarlet Knights
Knights are pretty cool. They have a round table and get to wear cool shiny outfits. Make em Scarlet in color and that’s enough to gain points on our list.
34. Seton Hall Pirates
Did this Pirate go to Duke? Why is he so blue?
35. Purdue Boilermakers
Bonus points for being one of the most Googled mascot names in the world. Major negative points for the creepy shiny head.
36. Providence Friars
Based on our extensive history with Friars (hello Friar Tuck…that’s all we got), we know that these monk-like dudes can be pretty fearsome. They do have some lovely chants though.
37. Texas Longhorns
If we’re talking scary, the Longhorns get some major points and should be higher on the list. But as it stands, a cow just sorta comes in the middle of the pack. We love hamburgers and all, but eh. Bevo is one of the coolest live mascots ever though. We’ll give them that.
38. Wisconsin Badgers
Badgers are fierce. And the honey badger variety simply does not care. But Wisconsin loses points here because they make their badger look cozy and cuddly in a striped red and white sweater.
39. Chattanooga Mocs
Major, major major points off for mascot confusion here. Isn’t a moc a snake? Or a shoe? But that’s a bird. At least it’s a cool bird. Maybe.
The Cat Section
Why are there so many cats?!
40. LSU Tigers
If we are talking live mascots, nothing beats Mike the Tiger at LSU ever. He’s simply the best by any measure. But we’re talking ranking the whole concept of the mascot here… and we just have some issues with so many schools leaning on cats. A full 12 of the 64 teams are cats. But LSU is by far the tops among those.
41. Memphis Tigers
They’re grrrrrreat. But their mascot is not. Seriously, what is this?
42. Texas Southern Tigers
Extreme points boost here for the really cool Tiger jumping out of the T logo. That’s about it.
43. Auburn Tigers
If Aubie was the Tigers’ sole mascot, they’d get a boost here. But there’s extreme identity crisis at Auburn. They can’t decide if they are Tigers, War Eagles, Plainsman, Big Blue or Aubie. And it’s just a lot. We need a little more clarity out of you.
44. Georgia State Panthers
Huge points boost for being cool and having a name like Pounce. Huge points deduction for following the Duke blue sadness vibe.
45. Arizona Wildcats
The most-used name in all of mascotland, Wildcats is so uninspiring. We’ll give Arizona credit for having Wilma and Wilbur costumes though.
46. Kentucky Wildcats
What. Is. That? No. Just no.
47. Davidson Wildcats
Oh look, it’s another cat. They really just need to become the Fighting Steph Curry’s and get it over with.
48. Villanova Wildcats
Is that a rat??? What are you doing Villanova? And did you really name him Will D Cat??? Ugh.
49. Houston Cougars
At least Houston has some fun with their cats.
50. Vermont Catamounts
Even Vermont doesn’t take their mythical mountain cat seriously.
51. Montana State Bobcats
At least we believe a Bobcat could exist in Montana and might be scary. Thank God this is the last cat on the list.
The Dogs
52. Connecticut Huskies
Extreme major points for cuteness. But dogs are too beloved to really be taken seriously as mascots. Doesn’t he look like the goodest boy?
53. Gonzaga Bulldogs
What in the world is the best team in the tournament doing with that thing???
54. Yale Bulldogs
Sweet and cute? YES! Fearsome? No. Definitely no.
55. Bryant Bulldogs
And the Birds
56. Marquette Golden Eagles
Eagles are cool and all. But color them gold? For what reason? And we can’t find a single reference to the Golden Eagles on Marquette social media. If they just went by the Fighting Letter M’s we would rank them No. 1.
57. Kansas Jayhawks
Why does Kansas have a 1/2 mascot? One of the best basketball programs of all time has to do better mascoting than this.
58. Jacksonville State Gamecocks
Stealing South Carolina’s mascot, and stealing the Philly Phanatic. Both cardinal sins.
59. Creighton Blue Jays
Nobody is taking that mascot seriously are they?
60. Delaware Blue Hens
For a glorified chicken, he’s pretty cool. But we’re over all this unoriginality.
61. Iowa Hawkeyes
What is that creepy beak???
The Lower Tier
62. Colorado State Rams
Like UNC’s Ramses, only lamer.
63. Illinois Fighting Illini
Nothing says fierce like “Hi, I’m a person from Illinois.”
64. Tennessee Volunteers
If Smokey were all we were ranking here, the Vols would be top 10. But instead they are just people who Volunteer. Yeah, we know there’s a bunch of history to why it’s super cool and all that. But we’re unimpressed.
65. Indiana Hoosiers
Oh no, I’m a fierce person from Indiana!
66. Virginia Tech Hokies
We just realized we should have put this in the bird section, but we have a hard time putting delicious edible mascots above this ranking. Sorry giant maroon turkey guy.
67. Ohio State Buckeyes
It’s a nut. There’s nothing good about this. (Well, maybe the candy things that people call Buckeyes. But that’s about it.)
68. Michigan Wolverines
Michigan hates this mascot so much, they don’t even HAVE ONE. Look how excited these guys are to be in the NCAA Tournament.