How We Survive Suicide Loss Of Our Precious Boy
I have been thinking about this for a long time. September is Suicide Awareness Prevention month. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and a number one cause of death among certain youth demographics. And our own 16 year old grandson died by suicide on March 20, 2023. Here are a few of the ways we survive the suicide loss of our precious boy.
Survive Suicide Loss
I will tell you one thing I did wrong and I will tell you why. Aiden and his mother lived with us the first 8 years of his life and after they got out on their own, he wanted to spend most weekends with us. He was and is our third child not “just” a grandson. I will tell you having a grandchild is one of the most special experiences we have ever had. Grandchildren do no wrong, they are magical, they are gifts and they are precious. And while my faith compels me to trust we will see him again. We won’t on this earth. Ever again.
My Regret
I have only one regret. I did not talk to Aiden about his mental health. The reason why I didn’t was because he was in therapy and on medication. I wanted our home, his weekend happy place to be free of talk that he was getting so much of at home and with therapists. I wanted him to come to our house and not have to worry about that “talk”. We would of course ask him how he was doing but didn’t probe, left it up to him to volunteer more. Looking back, I would have dug deeper.
If you or someone you know is struggling, please call 988 if you just don’t know what to do. You will be connected with a therapist that can help you through the moment and can help you connect with a therapist or team that WILL help you. There is ALWAYS an answer. Feelings and emotions and circumstances can and will change. Please for yourself, for those that love you. Use that number. I have used it myself. You can also reach out to the American Foundation For Suicide Prevention. I am working with them closely.
This Is What Helps Us
I am Aiden’s grandmother and we will always be connected. As you can imagine our hearts are shattered. I would love to tell you it hurts less here 17 months out but it doesn’t and I have a feeling it never will. We will always be sad BUT we will carry on breath by breath and step by step.
Here is what has helped me. In those first days I was frantically preparing for his service, lining up speakers and music and the venue which ultimately was our own property. A place where Aiden enjoyed bonfires and animals, friends and family. Also the place where his all too short life ended. It’s a sacred place now. We speak his name in everyday conversation with laughter and love and also immense heartbreak.
Shock. That is how I would describe the first few months. But within the first few moments I was praying. Praying praying and praying. I prayed that Aiden wasn’t frightened as he transitioned from this life to God’s kingdom. And I prayed for us. That we would somehow be able to breathe with a heart in a million pieces. We accepted the unwavering love of friends and family after a few days. Sometimes friends would just sit with us in our sorrow. I am so grateful for those friends and family. They still tend to us today. My work was also amazing, very supportive and allowed me the time I needed.
I knew our family would need professional help healing. Especially my sweet husband who suffered the greatest trauma on 3/20/2023. And of course our daughter, Aiden’s mother. We asked for referrals and we got them. We have a good therapist. I also found a good support group in an organization called H.U.G.S. It’s for parents and grandparents who have lost a child to suicide. After about a year we knew we also needed the help of medication. So between our Faith, Family, Friends, Therapy and even the appropriate medication, we are surviving. Day by day.
How do we survive the suicide loss of our precious boy? It’s work. It’s deliberate. It’s purposeful. And it starts all over again day by day. The statistics are staggering among those that die by suicide that are actually survivors of suicide loss. But I am living proof, YOU CAN GO ON. I promise it feels better to work on living than it does to curl up in a ball and wait for things to change without some effort. Sure, I allow myself a “lie in the sad” day as we call it. But the family rule is, the next day, get back to work on surviving.
I miss our boy more than words can even describe it. It’s worse that you can even imagine. But as a woman of faith I know eternity with him is coming. Lastly I would like to encourage you if you are in our shoes to reach out to the sources I have highlighted above. Take a deep breath. Let others in. Embrace your faith, don’t hesitate to reach out to support groups and professionals. Life is much better for so many if you are in it.
This blog is my process only and everyone has a different one. Please find one that works best for you and your family.
LIST: 7 Ways To Empower Yourself For Better Mental and Physical Health
1. Cathartic Release
Even if you’re not going through a break-up, the world is going through some sh*t right now so it makes sense that you’d have some pent-up emotions or anxiety you need to release. A lot of times, I get overwhelmed with emotion because I gaslight myself by telling myself the emotions I’m feeling are not okay, or they aren’t justifiable, or they are an overreaction to something small. Sound familiar at all?
But here’s the thing I’ve learned: your body will feel these emotions whether you try to push them away or not. So why not take part of your day to get them allllll out? I put this at the top of the list because it’s hard to focus on anything else when negative emotions are plaguing your mind and body. Some ideas for this include: physical activity, screaming into your pillow or in a place where people won’t be concerned for you, or just allowing yourself to cry. And I mean an UGLY cry. Don’t hold ANYthing back. This is your time and place to purge those nasty emotions. Claim that.
2. 5 Senses Reflection
I hope after you’ve done a cathartic release, your mind and body feel lighter. Now, it’s time to do a light reflection. I don’t mean meditation. Meditation for me personally is actually really difficult because of the way negative thoughts pop into my brain. The reflection that I do is more centered on the self. And it should be.
With this, take 5, 10, 15 minutes to think about each of your 5 senses and your favorite things that best cater to those senses. By this, I mean think of your favorite smells, things that make you calm or happy to smell, like your favorite candle or plant. Write them down. Do this with your favorite tastes (drinks, foods, gum, anything), your favorite sounds (could be music or just normal everyday sounds, like windchimes or water running), your favorite things to see (like your best friend’s smile, or a sunset). And finally, leave your favorite feelings for last. Reflect on memories of feelings, like refreshing lake water on a hot day, or how the sun feels on your skin. Embrace the warmness all of these things bring to you. Make a plan to surround yourself with them.
3. Starting Self-Conversations
Now that you have purged your emotions, and reflected on the small things that make you and your 5 senses the happiest, it’s time to have a conversation…with yourself. A lot of times, negative emotions build up for me because they take up too much room in my limited headspace. They become bigger and bigger and that’s when you need to purge. But, now that you’ve purged, they aren’t so big, and they seem easier to deal with to get them out of your headspace for good.
The easiest way? Talk about them. I recommend trying therapy, but I do know therapy is expensive for one, and two, it’s not for everyone. Some alternatives to therapy can include keeping a journal or diary, or what I like to do is talk to myself out loud. It’s not as weird as it might seem, I promise. It’s actually really helpful because just saying your thoughts out loud can make them less intimidating or at the same time, more realistic.
However, in a self-conversation like this, it’s important not to be judgemental of yourself or gaslight yourself as I talked about earlier. Undermining the value of your emotions makes them worse. Remember: whatever you feel, you are feeling for a reason. Trust that. This conversation can be whatever you need it to be. But if you need help getting started, ask yourself these questions out loud:
- What do I physically feel right now?
- Why do I feel like this? (Address the thoughts that come immediately after this question. It’s also okay if you don’t know why.)
- What is the last thing I thought about last night before falling asleep?
- What is the first thing I thought about this morning?
- What emotion drives these thoughts?
The goal is to give yourself validation in how you feel.
4. Mindful Bathing
Now that you’ve started these important conversations with yourself to free up your mind, it’s time to put the same effort into taking care of your body. Bathing is so important for your health in so many ways.
Next time you bathe, whether it be a 10-minute shower or an hour-long bath, challenge yourself to be mindful. By this, I mean take what you thought about in the 5 senses reflection and employ them. Use soap that smells good to you, use a loofah or lotion afterward that feels good against your skin. Play your favorite sounds while you bathe. Use this time to appreciate your body as you clean and take care of it. Your body and its beauty are everything.
We often don’t appreciate it the way we should. I for one am very guilty of that. What I’ve learned is that focusing on your body’s health and putting it at the forefront of your priorities will no doubt improve your mental health. Exercise is included in this care, but it’s not all about exercise, which is why bathing to me is more important.
Be kind to your body. Touch it, love it, embrace it. You are so much more than your body, but your body is yours and yours alone. It depends on you to love it and take care of it. Your body does so much for you. It lets you eat good food, breathe fresh air, it takes you to all the places you’re needed most. So now’s the time to give back to it, and give it the attention, the effort, and the love it deserves.
5. Mindful Cooking
Another way you care and love for your body is by feeding it good food that not only tastes good, but gives you energy, and allows you to grow and thrive. In a similar way as mindful bathing, mindful cooking employs the same 5 sense reflections. Play sounds that relax you as you cook. I’d highly recommend jazz music. Use healthy ingredients that taste and smell good to you. This will make you more excited to dig in anyway. Try some of my favorite recipes here.
Also, this might not be for everyone, but I love when I put effort into my food presentation. Garnishes are everythingggg. And if your eyes are just as excited to eat your food as your nose and mouth are, that can only make the food better right?
Mindful cooking also means being aware of how certain foods make your body feel. For example, I’ve noticed my body reacting negatively to lactose recently, so I’m trying out going lactose-free for a bit to see how that goes.
6. Space Control
While mindful cooking and bathing can do wonders to relax you and center yourself, those can only do so much if your space is stressing you out. I get it. Being an adult means constantly doing the dishes, wiping the counters, and making the bed among other things. But, I do know that once I put in the effort to clean the clutter, I almost always feel better.
Sometimes, life can feel like it’s out of our control. And a lot of time that’s true and there’s only so much we can do about it. But, your space (and your body) is yours. You have control over your space, so if you want to put off doing those dishes for a few days, DO IT! Because you can. But, if your mind starts to feel as cluttered with emotion as your home, it might be time to finally do the thing. Because it can get overwhelming living in a cluttered space with a cluttered mind. Organize, reorganize, clean. Do what you need to do to feel more comfortable in YOUR space. Physically make room for the growth you want to see in yourself. <3
7. Envision The Future You Want For Yourself
Alright. You’ve purged. You’ve reflected. You’ve taken care of your mind, your body, and your space. Now, it’s time to get excited for the future. You’ve done all the hard stuff. Now, it’s time to get creative and get manifesting. That’s right: VISION BOARDS!
Even if you’re like me and not artistically talented AT ALL (LOL, it’s actually embarrassing), even just writing down or speaking out loud what you want for yourself can be extremely empowering. When doing this it’s important not to ask for whatever you want. You are demanding what you want from the universe or whichever higher being you believe in. You are setting goals and expectations for your future.
In setting these, it’s important to be as specific as possible. You want your dream job? What’s the company? Where will it be? What will your hours look like? What kind fo coworkers do you want? Leave no rock unturned. You want a new partner? What are the things they value? What do you want to learn from them? How do you want to grow with them? Envision this new relationship exactly how you’d want it to be. And remember this powerful mantra: I don’t chase, I attract. What belongs to me will simply find me.
